it’s all about earthly pleasure / nothing i did mattered because life is endlessly cyclical and we are the snake eating its own tail / letting the hazy bliss slowly envelop you
By Emily Perkovich
the bath isn’t getting hot enough. it’s one of those things that i won’t be satisfied with. goosebumps crawl my calves, shins, knees, my arms, and breasts, skip my inner thighs, my pussy, my stomach—these areas i have folded into myself, huddled, trapped heat. i debate turning the tap, but only briefly, before giving in. i know that soon i will sweat and dizzy, dissociative-stare at the aforementioned folds, wish that my ocd didn’t prevent my back leaning against the clawfoot acrylic replica of antique-porcelain, wish that my body dysmorphia didn’t hold my throat closed at the sight of the folds. the bath, too hot—me, unsatisfied.
my period started this week, and the c-ptsd always leaves me unsure if this is a celebration in scarlet or a funeral dripping rubies, shrouded in poppies. in the end, i will convince myself of saturnalia, as always. it’s safer than the alternative, though not quite unfeigned. not without its tender discrepancies.
it’s difficult for me to not talk about rape, babies, abortion, miscarriage. a dishonest pursuit, an un-honest affair sounds right, but elocution can be important in conveying the point. point being, i did not get my abortion, only the baby, only the miscarriages, only the rapes. but that’s out of order—again, elocution can be important, especially with repeated rhetoric.
i talk a lot about the first time. the one in winter. i talk about snow and open windows and new year’s eve. it’s imperative to say, when i say first, i don’t mean ever, only that this was different. different man. different holes. different violence. only that there were bruises and blood and i was present. i had never been present for my own rapes. i don’t mean to say this birthed consequence, though it did, though not right away, not even post-nine-months. though there were others with a three-trimester timeline, a different kind of consequence. or only one other. and it is also imperative to say that the three trimesters split eight months not nine, and were also different, also violent. and it is perhaps easy to surmise that i did not get my abortion.
what’s less easy is the way this flood of vermilion keeps bringing false leads. three miscarriages in three years. and i am unsure if it is my body or my body’s yearning that keeps the blood coming. keeps me letting clots in the steaming tub, nausea flowing with cramped muscle. there is a distinction, i think. one of the physical verses the immaterial, one of subjection. i am unsure which presents the greater concern.
still dripping my own salt, room spinning with heat, the water has cooled, is more me than water, and the goosebumps wake. the air, too hot—the bath, too cold—me, unsatisfied.
Emily Perkovich (she/her) is from the Chicago-land area. She is the Editor in Chief of Querencia Press & poetry reader with Split Lip Mag. Her work strives to erase the stigma surrounding trauma victims and their responses. She is the author of the poetry collections Godshots Wanted: Apply Within, The Number 12 Looks Just Like You, baby, sweetheart, honey, Manipulate Me, Babe—I Trust You, & lamb/&/slaughter as well as the novella Swallow. Em is Otomí & learning ways to reconnect with her kin. You can find her on IG @undermeyou or Twitter @emily_perkovich or her website.
Artwork Source: “Persephone’s Omen,” Mirjana M.
Artist Statement: The myth and lore of Persephone is something I revisit often in all forms of creativity, with this particular piece the omens and warnings of both our peers and our own intuitions. For me, I cannot help but to think of Persephone every time I see a pomegranate, and how its many bloody beads reflect countless of our own tales of the heart growing up.
Mirjana M. (they / them ) are a digital artist and writer from Belgrade, Serbia. Their work focuses on exploring the juxtaposition of various elements through mixed media of photography, double exposure, textures and light. Their work most often explores concepts of duality and has appeared in Vocivia, Broken Antler, Spellbinder, New Limestone Review, The Fantastic Other, Soft Star, Elixir Verse Press magazines and other places. They authored 3 poetry collections and are the creator of Suburban Witchcraft Magazine.
The Turning Leaf Journal 